In the course of just a few days or even hours, you went from trying out different name combinations and planning your nursery to being told you were another statistic and weeping in a stark hospital room. The parent who has lost a child as a result of miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or neonatal death, often feels overwhelmed with confusion and grief. Well-intentioned friends may say hurtful things such as, “You’re still young; you can have another baby” or use inaccurate theology such as, “God needed another angel in heaven.” Such statements fail to acknowledge your sudden loss and ongoing sorrow.
It is helpful to recognize that your baby is an eternal being, created by God with a distinct purpose and personhood. The fact that you did not have time to know this person as you wished does not diminish his/her individuality before the Creator. As you commemorate and remember your baby’s life in a way that has meaning for you, you can also take comfort in knowing that your child is with the Lord in Heaven presently and you can be reunited with him or her in the future.
This knowledge does not answer the great “why” questions or fill your empty arms or aching heart. Give yourself time and permission to grieve not only the loss of your little one, but also your unfulfilled dreams for his or her future. The answer is not simply to transfer all these dreams to another present or future child, but to walk through the grief process for this son or daughter. Recognize that your spouse will probably grieve very differently than you do, and resolve together to be patient with each other and with yourselves, even if the grief process takes longer or hurts more deeply than you expect. Find others to whom you can lean on for emotional and spiritual support and who will listen without judging as you talk about your loss.
While feelings of guilt are normal, recognize that they are unfounded. God did not allow your baby to die as punishment for some past or present sin. You may feel angry at God; He invites you to pour out your heart to Him without condemning you. Often in the grief process, individuals come to a deeper understanding of the heart of our Heavenly Father, the Giver and Source of all life. And as you gradually move to treasuring your baby’s life rather than grieving his or her death, give yourself permission to consider the future with hope and wholeness.
Book Recommendations
I’ll Hold You in Heaven
By: Jack Hayford (Remembrance book also available)
Grieving the Child I Never Knew
By: Kathe Wunnenberg (devotional companion also available)
An Empty Cradle, A Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death
By: Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Naming the Child: Hope-filled Reflections on Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death
By: Jenny Schroedel
Empty Arms: For Those Who Suffered A Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy
By: Pam Vredevelt
Breaking the Silence: Recovering from Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Early Neonatal Loss
By: Sylvia Sheets McDonald (book/Bible study workbook)
Free to Grieve: Healing & Encouragement for Those Who Have Suffered Miscarriage and Stillbirth
By: Maureen Rank