A speeding driver zips his car within inches of yours on a busy highway. Your spouse forgets to take the kids to baseball practice as promised. Your boss, who was away on vacation, blames you when the deal falls through, even after all the overtime you put in to make it happen. You don’t have to live an extraordinary life or face incredible circumstances to find fuel for anger—opportunities usually arise on a daily basis. The issue is not whether or not we feel angry but how we respond to that emotion. Our response is often learned behavior based on patterns from our family of origin, ways that we feel anger has “worked for us” in the past, and beliefs (true or untrue) that we hold about anger.

Anger has been described as a signal. It is usually a secondary emotion, responding to a greater threat such as hurt, fear, or violated expectations. A helpful first step is to identify your anger and its cause, then evaluate if your response to anger is correct. On the positive side, anger can be an incredibly motivating and energizing force. Anger over social ills (take for example, human trafficking or drunk drivers) can lead to greater community awareness of a problem and positive steps to solve it. Jesus demonstrated the power of an appropriate response to anger when He cleansed the temple of those who were pirating true worship.

However, just as with a natural force such as wind or fire, anger without boundaries can be incredibly destructive. Some respond to angry emotions with force, using stinging words, escalated tone, or even physical violence. Equally destructive, but more subtle, are those who respond to their anger by hiding or denying it. Eventually the anger will be manifested as isolation, depression, or bitterness. Either response, whether aggressive or passive, will end in damaged relationships and continued conflict.

If you find that your typical response to anger is more destructive than constructive, come up with a plan for responding before anger starts. Analyze what situations/behaviors are most likely to cause anger and why. Determine a response that is neither aggressive, nor passive, but assertive. Anger can be a positive influence if it causes you to address character traits that you need to change or relationship flaws that you and another can work through together. Does a new boundary need to be set? Does a loving confrontation need to take place? Do you need to recognize God’s ultimate control over the situation and forgive your offender? Approaching the situation from this mindset will often open up new avenues for character development and conflict resolution.

Book Recommendations

 
The Anger Workbook 
By: Les Carter, Frank Minirth M.D.
Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way 
By: Gary Chapman
Uprooting Anger
 By: Robert D. Jones
Anger & Stress Management, God's Way
 By: Wayne Mack
Healing Life's Hurts: Making Your Anger Work for You 
By: Graham Bretherick
Forgiveness…the Ultimate Miracle 
By: Paul J. Meyer